Care of your Author
So your partner has become an author. Congratulations. This may not have been your choice but congratulations anyway. With a little attention an author can be a rewarding companion as well as a curiosity and a conversation piece. But there are just a few things you need to know.
1) If you do not already have a paying job, you may need to get one. Do not imagine the future will be fame, fat royalties and film contracts. That sort of thing only happens to other people.
2) If your author greets you with a big smile and the news that they have written x000 words, it is unkind to remind them what they said the other day about how little reward is related to effort in this profession. Coo adoringly and tell them how clever they are. (If on the other hand your author does not offer to tell you what they have achieved, do not press them. Very probably they have no idea.)
3) Authors spend a lot of time in their own heads and may pay little or no attention to the outside world. This can be frustrating for those who share their lives. Learn to recognise the signs. Muttering, pacing about and seemingly random activity such as unstacking dirty plates from a dishwasher that has not yet run probably means that something creative is happening in there and it’s best not to disturb. Just restack dishwasher when they have moved to loading the cat into the tumble-dryer. On the other hand, if they are drifting around the house with a vacant expression this may mean that their thoughts have got lost somewhere inside their skulls and they need help to get out. Try saying things like ‘Shall we watch the news now?’ or ‘Would you like a hand with supper?’ In extreme cases, shake, slap or announce casually that you have put the computer on e-Bay. That ought to do it.
4) Authors, particularly male ones, may neglect their grooming. It is best to keep an eye on this because once things slip they can slip a long way. Deal with it while the products you need are still in the realm of the pharmacy. If you have to resort to the garden centre it is probably too late. But also be realistic. Your author is never going to be a fashion accessory.
5) At some point your author will produce their latest typescript. This is a delicate moment. You are now about to discover who it is they have spent their last few months with. If you find, for example, that your author has involved themselves with romantic interest of a particularly dashing or beautiful variety, it is best to read nothing into this. Really it is. Similarly, if you encounter hot love-scenes that bear no resemblance to anything - so far as you can remember - that your author has ever experienced, just assume that they have lifted these lines verbatim from the work of some other author. Almost certainly, that is what they will have done. (And that other author will have done same. And ditto, and ditto.)
6) Criticism. This can be a difficult one. Authors’ egos are fragile things and must be carefully nurtured. Bear in mind, however, that the publishing world is full of meaningless hyperbole and that your author will be at least dimly aware of this. Phrases such as ‘I like it’ will be taken to mean no more than ‘I have managed to read the first three pages without gagging’ etc. Say what it is you like about the book, and you had better mean it. Do not be shy of pointing out weaknesses either – your author will be grateful for this. At least, they should be. Above all, leave them wanting to go on writing. If this is not possible then it is probably kindest to have them put down.
7) Final thought. Do not breed from your author. One in the family is quite enough.
December 12th, 2010 at 11:06 pm
Am passing the link for this straight to my other half!
December 13th, 2010 at 11:45 am
Very funny. Makes me feel like a proper author and not quite so ashamed of my grooming neglection! Thank you
December 13th, 2010 at 12:18 pm
I came upon this and you via Nicky Schmidt. Well done. This is great. I’m forwarding it to my poor beleaguered husband right now. I can add one more thing to the list though: watch out for the post-book-launch doldrums. Don’t think that getting one, two, three of even a million books published will make your author feel any better about what they do or what they have accomplished
December 13th, 2010 at 12:38 pm
brilliant, funny, and going straight to husband.
December 13th, 2010 at 12:39 pm
Lovely! I’m going to link to this in a couple of weeks’ time, if that’s ok.
December 13th, 2010 at 12:55 pm
Brilliant! Love it! Will definitely be sharing this with my other half!
December 13th, 2010 at 1:12 pm
Fabulous! Like the others said - going straight to husband!
December 13th, 2010 at 1:16 pm
Ahhh! Am on the right track! (guilty glance at ankle-deep dust). I have no OH but all this would certainly apply if he were here.
December 13th, 2010 at 1:29 pm
Sadly true. Cat gives washing machine a wide berth. Significant Other will be glad of the road map, so am passing it on.
Also v. intrigued by first 7 pages of WE and about to buy as present to self for anticipated deadline-meeting.
Or consolation for not meeting deadline.
Or displacement activity while meeting deadline is still a theoretical possibility, as long as I pull a couple of all nighters, because I’m hooked on Midnight Madness to keep the creative energy flowing.
Thank you!
December 13th, 2010 at 2:20 pm
Very enjoyable. I once wrote a piece about Living With an Author (on website) but this is much funnier. Especially enjoyed “Authors, particularly male ones, may neglect their grooming. It is best to keep an eye on this because once things slip they can slip a long way. Deal with it while the products you need are still in the realm of the pharmacy. If you have to resort to the garden centre it is probably too late.” It’s not that different for women.
December 13th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
Very very funny!
December 13th, 2010 at 3:36 pm
Wonderful! And so true.
December 13th, 2010 at 4:52 pm
John–this is fabulous. I have a nasty feeling that there are going to be significant snarky comments from my long-suffering husband when I send it to him. It’s too late on the breeding front for me too. Lovely Daughter is already showing scary signs of writeriness…thank you for making me laugh.
December 13th, 2010 at 5:20 pm
Oh how true! But, have you noticed that the comments are from women authors. Perhaps women are the only ones likely to groom the cat. this is not a sexist remark, a mere observation.
December 13th, 2010 at 7:10 pm
What a hoot - will be sent round all 15 of my Creative Writing MA colleagues at West Dean - and to Greg Mosse our tutor!
Thanks for this John
December 14th, 2010 at 9:10 am
The husband says to thank you. He now appreciates that his writer is clearly not alone in putting the keys and mobile phone in the fridge, forgetting to make supper and being prone to mumbling and muttering to herself from the depth of fugue-like states.
Brilliant post, John - very, very funny!
December 14th, 2010 at 3:50 pm
This is frighteningly apt - mainly because it means I do fit into a box after all - lovely to know though that I’m not the only one living this weird dream life!
December 30th, 2010 at 9:04 am
Absolutely brilliant…
December 30th, 2010 at 12:24 pm
I’ve come to this via Nicola Morgan and it’s brilliant! Though I have to say, (and forgive my being personal, ) the author at the top of the blog is very handsome indeed and at least when groomed will look great! Can’t be said of all of us, eh?
December 30th, 2010 at 12:31 pm
Have posted this to my husband. Unfortunately, breeding from the author is advice that has come too late!
January 5th, 2011 at 4:35 pm
That is so not funny and untrue.
Well, it kinda is. In a sick way.
Explains why our dishes at dinner were crusty last night. But this sweatshirt is my muse and cannot be washed until the scene is done!
I posted a link to this from my blog even though it’s far fetched… wait, my characters are running away…must. catch. them.
January 5th, 2011 at 8:12 pm
This is hilarious, and so true. My poor hubby. #3 describes me most of the time. I hope paid publication is in my future to justify his having to put up with this.